Weekend Woes

What an absolutely awful weekend. A wicked way to wend through the days. Zero returns and much dignity and money and confidence and happiness and life lost. I've had bad weekends but none have been this painful. There was nothing positive about this weekend.

Rosberg has been heroic lately. He has been winning all over the shop and must be strutting around the paddock (F1 not horses) with a strong semi at the thought of being crowned champion at the end of the season. Were I Nico, I certainly would be walking around with stretched trousers and a huge smile. I would especially be doing that at the track around my home, which I had won at three times before. 

                                          

I would certainly be looking forward to de-constructing qually with some superior times, forcing the other drivers to quiver in their little booties. I would zip round my home town, and batter the morale from everyone else. I would also give Golfing Greg a little text and tell him to back me to win qually at 9/2 because that kind of value is just insulting. I would then go an fulfil Greg's dreams. What I would not do is let a little impetuous Aussie out qualify me and then not even apologise for losing Greg's money. 

Unfortunately I am not Nico Rosberg. Nico Rosberg is Nico Rosberg. He was not able to do any of the things that I would do in his position, meaning that the £20 I have on him to make the fastest qualification lap went right down the place where the toilet water goes. This was disappointing given that my weekend was already not going considerably well. I still remained positive. I have also had £5 on Rosberg to complete the hat-trick (fastest qually, race winner and fastest race lap). This went down in typical fashion and Rosberg was only to start the race in 2^nd. I used positivity to rationalise this at serving to drift the price on Rosberg winning.

On Saturday evening I reloaded with a £5 double on Westwood and Palmer.

I also had a £5 treble with Westood, Palmer and Colin Montgomerie.

I also had a £5 fourfold with Westood, Palmer, Colin Montgomerie and Nico Rosberg.

I also had a £5 fivefold with Westood, Palmer, Colin Montgomerie, Nico Rosberg and England minus three, against Wales in the rugby international.

Westy was 5/1, Palmer was 9/2, Monty was 11/4, Nico was 3/1 and England were 10/11. The four bets returned £165, £618.75, £2475 and £4725 respectively.

I based this idea on how well Westwood had played at the Masters, and assumed that against a lower class field he may prevail.

Palmer seemed to be on the verge of becoming an absolute slayer and murdering the competition in Texas. He is a local hero and I fancied him to cream Spieth and the rest of the competition.

I decided to add Monty to the treble because he was the defending champ here and Father had backed him on Thursday, and I wanted some more interest and maybe money.

Rosberg was next and seemed an obvious choice. Imperious lately and holding a home advantage, well priced and certain to win. Surely?

Finally, I decided to add England at 10/11 on the handicap. -3 seemed a seriously short handicap given England’s Grand Slamming, Triple Crowning battering of the Six Nations, and whilst 10/11 is a short price I fancied them to bolster my four-fold to a five-fold.

The first part of any of the bets that would complete was the Grand Prix. A decision was made to not watch the start (or most of) the Grand Prix. I therefore am not completely certain as to the circumstances of Nico being in 6th place by the time that I tuned in, but he was. It was a tense but frankly uninteresting affair with Rosberg not making any ground on anyone and ultimately not finishing in 1^st. This was a bit sore. It meant that both the four-fold and the five-fold were no good. I was not going to win thousands of pounds this weekend. I briefly wondered if I should have covered all of my options and placed a £5 Lucky 31. This of course supposes that I would even have £155 in the first place, which, in case you were wondering I do not. Rosberg left me on the verge of self-hatred but I was full of brunch so I didn’t mind too much.

The final parts of the BMW PGA would cross over with the Rugby and watching the two at the same time would be impossible, so I just carried on watching the Golf. Lee Westwood was not on form. Donkey like attempts at knocking in birdies led to more than one three putt from short range, and bogies befell Westy. I also had some more multiples including these two malicious marauding murderous golfists. Lee’s lamentable putting had me swigging bleach like there was no tomorrow. He was sufficiently over par and it looked like I wouldn’t be making it even to the double. Before Westy could make my Sunday any worse I had to go and have dinner with my parents.

During this time, I learnt, pointlessly, that England had covered their -3 handicap more than sufficiently. England won by 14 points. They were trailing by three at the end of the 1^st half, but thanks to some spirited play crushed Wales in the second half, winning the half 17-0 and the game 27-13. This was already not set for a consolation prize due to Nico’s early failure and my multiple betting only.

Westwood continued his hurtful run of awfulness and came 15^th, not even good enough for an ante post place, let alone winning the tournament for me. I like Lee but at the time I was hating on him pretty hard. Some fairly atrocious abuse was being chucked his way in the group chat. I also realised that I didn’t have enough money even to buy rope from which to hang myself, so would Have to risk being arrested breaking in to my local Wickes to fashion a solid set of gallows.

After dinner we played several games of cards. In typical luck of the weekend fashion I was not able to win any of these games. Father had lent our chainsaw to someone else so I had no chance to use it upon my head after this shambolic appearance. It would have been easier to drink myself in to a stupor, but among such company this behaviour is frowned upon.

Father then asked me to back Dufner for him, so I decided to reload with another small bet on Palmer, to hopefully lessen the pain were he to win. Early on this didn’t look like a bad bet, and it even looked as though Kuchar was going to reap some dividends for me. Kuch was flying through the back nine and looked set to finish well inside the places. A string of pars and a bogey turned those dreams well and truly in to nightmares and the happy man of golf left me with an upside down smile.

Watching the rest of the golf then was just kind of painful. Palmer was going well but not well enough, and then all of a sudden, the lone star kid, started holing putts. Over the course of the next six or seven holes Jordan proved why he still deserves to be a short favourite at every tournament going. He cruised through the field and finished birdie birdie birdie. He also chipped in from a poor lie in a short-sided position. The people at CBS decided I would have to watch this clip over and over and over again. I expressed that this felt as though someone cutting me open and pouring in kilo after kilo of salt. This is how I had felt for the whole weekend. Rosberg should have won the Grand Prix. Westwood should have won the golf. So should Palmer, and Monty, and England did cover their handicaps. I should be rolling in huge dirty bundles of money from being excellent at betting but instead I am hating the weekend I have had to suffer, wishing I had chosen instead to spend it with my head in the grip of a Great White Shark’s mouth. Or perhaps dodging traffic on the autobahn. Or maybe just setting myself on fire.

I’m not betting on the golf next weekend. This isn’t one of those I’m not betting on the golf this weekend and then changing my mind the next minute this is one of those proper I’m not betting on the golf next weekend decisions. I’ll still do a preview but I won’t be touching it. I need some time to recover from the emotional trauma I am suffering at my own hands. 

Halfway to the Double

It seems that I was right. It seems that I was right to worry about Mcilroy. It seems that I was also right about Mcilroy winning the week before, if a little premature. In lieu of having a successful ante-post selection on the Irish Open I opted to have a double on the Saturday night. The double was Willett, at 6s, and Garcia, at 9s. I thought that this was the best bet ever and decided to tell myself I had already won, which prompted a fair amount of confused dancing. 

Willett however did not wish to oblige, instead deciding to crash and burn through the final round and shoot a god-awful five over par. Willett obviously understands that humility is important as a world class sportsman, but every wry smile and laugh at a bad shot for him was a knife in the belly for me. I felt as though I'd been stitched up worse than Jon Snow. The reason for this was not abundantly clear to me, and judging by the way in which he is cruising through Wentworth as I type, it seems I am suffering from a fatal case of backing a week too early. Rory cruised to victory on 18 with a simply sublime 3 wood, from 254 or something yards, which he stuck to two foot, enabling a tap in eagle. Knox unfortunately was not up to the task, and Rory finally took home his national Open trophy.

Willett flashed through the leader-board barely holding on for a T23 finish, when he had looked so promising, and so plumply priced at 6s. In fact, only two people had worse rounds than him on Sunday, which is not something that should be expected from the Masters champion. Willett ruined my hopes of nailing the double, and the chaps at whichever bookies I used were probably laughing their heads off at me. 

Rory winning was not really all that crushing. It was a bit because I'd backed him well the week before, only to be disappointed, It wasn't as though he'd squeezed my chaps out just before the line, so I wasn't too bothered. I was however, hungry, so I went for a curry and some beers, I had a long evening of watching golf in store, and I would need all the energy possible. 

Kuchar was in top position. As I had already stated, I only rated him as being one off the lead, meaning that he wouldn't have to do too much to get himself up there. My prophetic telling of the lead at -14 held eerily true. -15 was the score required to get in to the play off, meaning Matty would only need to shoot -2 for the day to have a serious chance of reviving his winning ways. Obviously he did not know this at the time. Those of you who know me will know that he was not able to do this, which has provided much disappointment. I was delighted to be joined in my usual solitary viewing of the golfery by Mrs Golfing Greg. 

She wasted no timed in telling me, in no uncertain terms, how stupid I was to let the golf affect me like it did. Every time Kuchar had a putt for birdie, of which there were 13 separate occasions. Unfortunately for me, only 3 of these were holed, which after cancelling out the two bogies, meant my chap, Kuch, could only do one under for the day. If I shot one under for the day somewhere, I'd promptly go mental and proclaim myself the next Tiger Woods, whilst tweeting Jason Day and telling him to retire now, lest I embarrass him on the links. For Kuchar however, it meant a third place outright, and for me it meant no better than money back. Nearly. I had decided to reload with a further £20 on Kuchar at 9/2, and with that and the £5 double, with returns of (only) £45 on Kuchar, with £45 laid out on the AT&T, £20 laid on the Irish Open, meant a poor weekend of -£45. It is however said that dorm is temporary, and class permanent. This means that id I am indeed classy then it'll come back to me, and that if I am in bad form that will have to end so that'll come back too. 

Sergio cruised through in to the play off which he easily won. I am going to suggest that bookies give you a free bet if you get let down by one selection in your double. Getting to the halfway house and then failing miserably is awful. It's worse though when the second one lets you down. Then you've been given a modicum of hope by the first and you start dreaming.

Kuchar had me writhing around in agony all evening. So many opportunities to post a solid score, yet it was not to be. I couldn't get comfortable wherever I sat, changing from sofa to floor with such fluidity and frequency as to raise an eyebrow from Mrs Greg. I am not one of those people who incessantly shake their legs, causing sufficient disturbance as to register on the Richter scale, (you know who you are.(Rocco)), neither am I one of those people who sits calmly in one position for hour on end, like a corpse. I move around from time to time, and am occasionally confronted with scorn for this, to which my standard response is to apologise for being alive. This sentiment usually drips with as much sarcasm as can be mustered, in an effort to satirise the situation. My witty response is usually met with further scorn. Such is life. 

In spite of all of this, I could not bring myself to wish harm on to Kuchar. I am usually the first to wish harm on people who are denying me winnings, quick to curse and threaten but not this week. Kuch is just so obviously a top bloke and is so nice I couldn't wish harm to him. I did have some fleeting dark thoughts about wiping the natural smile from his face but those were quickly banished because he looked so happy. So even on 18 when I finally slumped down on to the floor dejected, I had little negative to say about him. Perhaps he had lost a little of his killer instinct. Kuch's form now reads 3-T3 making him immensely backable. So I have backed him again. 

The iron is hot. It is time to strike. Snedeker won early this year with form of 3-2, Adam Scott finished T2 before winning the following two weeks. Jason Day finished T5 before winning the Players, and Bubba posted a 3rd place before winning the Hero Open. Rory, Spieth and Fowler have all posted low numbers before cranking out a win, and I have no reason to think that Kuchar won't win this week. 

Solid tee to green action will be required at the Dean & Deluca this week, as well as solid putting, which Kuch has in abundance. Kuch boasts a 2nd finish at Colonial, and a missed cut the year after is easily forgiven after a serious dip in confidence. That and a small tipple on Boo Weekley, hugely priced at 80s, a former winner here, in a little bit of form, should set up well. Now for a quick hop back over the pond to home. 

The BMW PGA is supposed to be the flagship of the European Tour. Excellently run and attended, it used to draw huge status in fields, with many of the worlds top players attending. These days is an excellently run and attended European Tour event. Mcilroy and Rose not playing has a huge effect, and Poulter doesn't want to play either. This meant that the strength of the field is not significant. I considered Willett for a while, but decided to go another way with Molinari, Francesco that is. Molinari is is good nick at the moment, coming in to the BMW with 5 made cuts on the PGA tour, and brings three top tens in three years at Wentworth. That's enough for me to back him. 

Each way action on Molinari and Kuchar as well as an each way double is my real interest this week. 

On Wednesday, this was incredibly sound thinking. Today it is not. Kuch shot +3 yesterday and Molinari is currently +1 thanks to a so far one over par second round and a fairly lacklustre first round. Edit, make that two -2. Willett was going obscenely well earlier, and his card for today shows eight birdies, six pars and four bogies, which makes it somewhat eventful. 

Safe to say things are going along all that well. I now also learn that the Colonial tournament is delayed by at least three hours, which means that the coverage will be shocking. 

One final note. Those who play golf will know that the player furthest from the hole takes his or her shot first. There are very few exceptions to this. Sky Sports (perhaps at the mercy of CBS/The Golf Channel) have recently decided it prudent to show some shots, putting especially, out of sequence, which more often than not, means that you already know where the second golfist's ball is going, because you saw his marker when they showed the first golfist's putt out of sequence. Sky Sports, sort your lives out. 

Dabble on the Double

I like Kjeldson. But I hate Kjeldson. This vernacular is something I often use when describing a close friend. I can't bring myself to annex this person completely, but I can hate him, and at the same time occasionally like him. This is how Soren Kjeldson is making me feel. I hate him because he is refusing to live up to the standards that I expect him. I like him because he's just so friendly and likeable and every now and then does some good golfery, however this just seems to serve to infuriate me when he plays like an idiot. After a fairly solid three under on the first day, Soren decided to celebrate by dashing my hopes with a brace of 74s, a total of four over for his second and third rounds. Having backed Kjeldson in play I neglected to take advantage of each way terms, so Soren has an almost incomprehensible task to make me some money today, probably setting a new world record. 

But I've moved on. Soren isn't going to do it. The other person that didn't do it is Andy Sullivan. Around the same time that I backed Kjeldson, I read that Andy had recently (the day before) had a child, and on that day would be turning 30. Using the news of the newly arrived child I quickly applied the Willett theory and backed Sullivan. I'm ashamed to say I became a little frenzied in this endeavour and it wasn't until I had the bet on that my heart decided to calm down. Sullivan had evidently decided that my heart should calm down so much that it stopped, in order for me to die, as he carded two 75s to miss the cut. Perhaps he wanted to spend time with his newborn. Or maybe he was hungover. Or both. 

Thankfully, things are going significantly better across the pond. When I say significantly what I mean is somewhat. The primary result of the formula was Kuchar who currently sits in T3. Kuch is playing well and with plenty of self confidence, my fingers are crossed and I know that this evening my heart will be beating. I'm also trying to rationalise a feeling that -16, which is currently the lead, isn't the actual lead. Whilst Koepka is a powerhouse, and is not up for a maiden win, having bagged one last year, taking home the Phoenix Open Trophy, he has come in to this tournament in a spate of missed cuts and Top 25 finishes, all without really contending on the last day. The T5 in the WGC Match Play doesn't really count to me because....C'est la Match Play and it's not the same. I'm in no doubt that this absolute beater of the ball will win again soon, but I don't think this is his week. I therefore do not credit him as leading, and see the lead as -14. In my mind at least this means that my chap is no worse than one shot behind, and as the tournament doesn't really start until the back nine on Sunday, we are well poised to strike. Even if Koepka does hold up, three behind is nothing, and holding the 54 hole lead is much harder than chasing it. 

Dufner is a few back and Hoffman somehow managed to go backwards on Saturday. The other chaps somehow managed to miss the cut, so DeLaet. Palmer, Bradley, Piercy and Affrunti will bear no fruit for me this week. 

I have decided to have a small reload this week, to open up the opportunities, and have had a double on Willett and Garcia. Both chaps are three off the lead (and we know what I think about Koepka). Willett shook the rust off at the Players last week and is now back to contend. A disappointing four shot swing in round three means that his price has drifted out to a luscious 6/1 and Garcia looks tasty being in theory only one shot behind, and priced at 9/1. It is however World Numbers 2 and 3 that cause me problems. Mcilroy has not won since May last year. This is good for me. It means that he may struggle. The psychological aspect of Mcilroy’s game is not evident lately, and the 54 hole lead is a precarious thing. The mentality seems to be to go out and play defensive golf, make fairways, greens and pars. However, this usually comes unwrapped, somewhere around the 11^th hole, or perhaps later, with a mistake or two, putting the leader amongst the chasing pack.

From here, it is very hard to change to an attacking manner of play, and the lead is often lost. This could easily happen to Mcilroy. The reason that he worries me however is his name. As Willett looks at the leader board and sees one of the biggest names in golf, he may start to get a little unnerved. Let’s hope that this is not the case, and that he is able to triumph. At the Masters, Mcilroy was ahead of him going in to the last round, and it seemed to have little effect there, and I trust that it will be repeated here.

Sergio Garcia has not won on the PGA Tour since 2012. How strange it seems to say that. He won in Europe in 2014, and Asia in 2015, but his PGA Tour success is lacking some more glass-ware at the moment. A slip down the world rankings sees him in 15^th, compared to his best when he was in 2^nd! Garcia can easily conquer this three shot deficit, (or one shot), and could find himself lifting the Byron Nelson trophy after a twelve year vacancy. Jordan Spieth is the worry here. Sort of. The reason for the worry is the same reason as Mcilroy, his name. Spieth could do almost anything tomorrow, and everyone will be aware of that. Thankfully, so far, his ball striking has left a whole lot to be desired. Even with his long irons he has been dramatically off line, and this could plague him coming down the stretch.

The dynamic duos double pays 69/1. This represents excellent value considering that Willett is in second place, and Sergio is only one off the lead (in a sense).

I will be tuning in to the European action shortly, and the PGA action later, and if I lose you will be able to read my obituary in tomorrow’s paper. Or perhaps Tuesday’s.

Welcome to the Revolution

What you are looking at is a revelation in golf. Well, golf betting at least. A cacophonous revolution in the way that I pick my selections. The process is relatively self explanatory. You take the course form for each player from the last five years, add each result together, and divide by the number of times he has competed. For instance, if a player had played four of the five last years, finishing 1st, 10th, 48th and missing the cut, the sum would appear as (1+10+48+95)/4. 95 is the score given for a missed cut, as it will always be higher than players who have just made the cut, by as much as 20 points. That compiles the course form, and our mythical player scored 38.5.

The next column is current form, which takes in to account the mean of the player's last five finishes in any competition. Missing the cut still scores 95, so if our player had last finished 18th, 29th, 8th, MC and 5th, then the sum would be (18+29+8+95+5)/5 which totals 31.00.

The penultimate column is "SG Putting". This stands for Strokes Gained putting, and is taking directly from the PGA Tour website stats. It means, in effect, how many putts, on average, out player is better than the field. We just use the ranking number, so being T5 in SG Putting equals a 5 for his score.

The final column is "SG Tee to Green". This stands for, you guessed it, Strokes Gained Tee to Green, and is representative of how efficiently a player can get from the tee to the green, versus the average of the field. Again, we just take the ranking number, so if out theoretical golfist was ranked 35th, he would score a 35.

The next bit is the simplest, which is adding together the scores. Which for our player means the sum of 38.5+31+5+35=109.5. The total sum which looks a little confusing is ((1+10+48+95)/4)+((18+29+8+95+5)/5)+5+35+109.5. This would make for the best score of the lot and I would certainly back him. However, this bloke is not involved.

In order to qualify to move on from course form to current form, players had to score in the top ten, and have had more than 3 results at the course. Unfortunately, there were no stats available for Joe Affrunti, which means that his place at the top of the leader-board is not a realistic representation of his ability, but his course form was so strong, I had to have him involved, and at a price of 750/1, I snapped him up.

After that, we can see that Kuchar leads the scoring by a fair margin to Hoffman. This makes Kuchar my primary selection for the week, and at 20/1, I'm hoping to see a good return.

Hoffman is a bit of a no brainer here, performing well in Texas regularly, and scoring well in the stats, Hoffman should be aided by his distance off the tee, which will count for extra around this relatively soft course. Hoffman should be insulted at being priced up at 28s, and I hope to pay the bookies back in kind, on his behalf. Were I to speak to Hoffman, I'm sure he would thank me, and would state that he lives vicariously through me.

Next up Ryan Palmer. Palmer has excellent form around here, with finishes of 10th, 22nd, 33rd, 9th and 2nd. His current form is also in pretty good shape, having not missed a cut since the Frys.Com, and finishing T4 in the Valero. Palmer also ranks highly in driving distance, which will make a huge difference this week, with heavy rain forecast. Palmer is surprisingly priced up at 50s, which for a player of his calibre around this course is nothing short of defamatory.

Getting to the heady heights of the list is Jason Dufner. He just squeezed through in the the main plan, thanks only to ranking well in course form, and SG Tee to Green. Dufner hasn't made much of an impact since winning the Career Builder, but he had a good rest after the Masters, and has made both of his cuts since then. Dufner, like Palmer, is 50s, which seems like a good piece of the pie.

Finally, quick words on the second part of the plan. DeLaet, Keegan Bradley and Scott Piercy all make it in due in large part to their impressive course form. Piercy actually ranks 2nd of all my picks in SG Putting, whilst Bradley ranks 2nd in SG Tee to Green. They all make it in, and their prices are below.

Kuchar 20
Hoffman 28
Palmer 50
Dufner 50

DeLaet 60
Piercy 35
Bradley 80
Affrunti 750

Finally, time for some reasons to take on the market leaders. Both Jordan Spieth and Dustin Johnson would have been at the top of our plans, Jordan would have scored 121.15, making him a narrow leader over Matt Kuchar. However, Spieth doesn't seem to have recovered from Augusta yet. Putting excellence can only get you so far, and Jordan's ball striking is nowhere near where it used to be. Mentally, he isn't the same yet, and this is a bombers course, and his relative lack of distance won't help him here. A missed cut last week won't inspire confidence in the world number 2, and best price of 8/1 doesn't inspire me either.

Dustin Johnson scored a chart crushing 67.4667, which is astounding. His average finish on this course is 11.6th, his current form average finish is 10.8th, he's ranked 37th in SG Putting and 8th in SG Tee to Green, which is impressive. This powerhouse should be able to crush this course this weekend, and with the possibility of a 54 hole finish, may find himself winning without any pressure. However, I cannot bring myself to back Dustin Johnson, for anything other than 1st round leader, until he wins a tournament. His famed three putt at the US Open last year leaves a sour taste, and even though I agree, he was putting to win the US Open, not get in the play-off, he hasn't been the same ever since. He hasn't won since the WGC in March 2015, and even though he is in good form, and loves the course, his price does not justify the risk.

I'll not be having a punt on the Irish Open this week, but I thoroughly look forward to watching it, so not having a bet on it is probably for the best. Were I forced to pick someone, it would be Kjeldson. The affable Dane is in good form at the moment, and this is his title defence.

Edit: Ok so I had a quick look at the betting for the Irish Open and Kjeldson is 40s so I have had a piece of the action.

Played by the Players

Another shocker of a weekend.

I can't work out whether I should start with the bad news, the really bad news, or the good news.

I had the following bets on The Players. £30 win Mcilroy at 17/2. £10 win Mcilroy at 33s. £10 each way Sergio Garcia, 28s. £5 each way Phil Mickelson at 50s. £5 win Billy Horschel at *** and £5 win on Brooks Koepka at ***. £80 laid out, £0 returns.

£0.

Again.

A loss of £80.

This was somewhat mitigated by the triumphing of Wang, in the European Tour. A few days ago I wrote that I had backed him at 8/11 and he swiftly underwent a 3 shot swing to go 4 shots behind. Miraculously, he was able to claim one of those shots back over the next few holes, and went to the 16th tee only 3 shots behind. Yes that's right, he had 3 holes to make up 3 shots, easy right? Well the other bloke, Rahman, decided to crumble at this point, and swiftly hit a bad drive. Rahman is not a big hitter of the ball, and this often plays to his advantage off the tee, meaning that his ball does not usually go very awry. This was not an occasion where shortness off the tee saved him, and he was forced to hit a provisional.

I had, however, at this point all but given up. I was barely watching, and decided that a BLT baguette was much more suited to my needs than watching Rahman searching for his ball, and I supposed he would of course find it, and cruise to victory. This would have left me desperately searching the office for something to open my veins with, as the office does not have a bath.

Upon my return, I was surprised to see that Rahman was putting for a 6. This was unexpected. He knocked it in, and I waited with baited breath to find out what Wang was putting for. Probably a 6 also, I thought, not allowing my hopes to get the better of me. But no, Wang was putting for par, which he knocked in easily, thanks to a wondrous chip as a third shot, which was stuffed to about 8 inches.

All of a sudden I was really back in the game. One shot down with two to play is nothing, Wang had the honour, and was ready to put Rahman in the pressure cooker. The pin was accessible, and thanks to the heavy rain earlier in the day, the ball was stopping quickly. Wang decided to put his ball in the bunker instead. I decided to stop watching. Before I knew it, I decided to start watching again. Wang had made par, and somehow, Rahman had made bogey. I was level. Wang was now odds on for the first time since I placed my bet. A good tee shot set him up to attack the green in two, on the finishing par five. Rahman was in the fairway too, but could not manage any better than short and right of the green in two. Wang stuck it in the bunker, and the race was on. A mediocre chip from Rahman gave Wang the advantage, and he did not disappoint, displaying supreme touch in his short game, and sticking another one to 3 foot. Rahman had a putt for the birdie, to force Wang to make his putt for a play off, but couldn't make it.

It was so surreal. From certain loss of many £s, was a chance to win some. Wang knocked in his putt, and the money was mine. £172 and change, £72 profit. I was still £8 down for the weekend, unless one of my other golfists could haul himself up The Players leader-board. Whilst winning £72 is not a huge amount of money, especially given the stake, I immediately went mental. I had told several people about the bet already, all of whom laughed at me when I told them the current prices. I ran around, whooping and hollering, cheering to anyone close enough to know of my success. When I say ran around, what I mean is I sat at my desk breathing heavily and went for a high five from Mr Harrow.

This was good news. I was seconds away from being buggered silly by the weekend, and now I was in a position to possibly make some money, or worst case hardly lose any. What I should have done was put all of the money on Jason Day, who seemed imperious, priced at 3.10, would have given me around £224, putting me in profit of £40 for the weekend. You may be able to discern from my tone that I did not do this.

I opted instead to have two £5 bets on the F1. The Ferraris are excellent around Barcelona, and had shown some brilliant pace in practice, so I had £5 win on Vettel at 25s and £5 win on Riakkonen at 45s. It didn't take long for these bets to start to look extremely good as Rosberg and Hamilton clashed on the third corner, with Nico squeezing Lewis for position, Lewis ran wide on the grass, spun, and took Nico out. Lewis, famously wearing his heart on his sleeve, showed his anger by throwing his steering wheel (£35,000 worth) on to the floor. My bets immediately seemed excellent with Ferraris in commanding positions, with just the pesky 18-year-old-recently-promoted-to-Red-Bull-from-Torro-Rosso Max Vestappen to pass.

Fortune however continued to evade me, and over the next 65 laps, Max showed Seb and Kimi why he had been promoted, and why he was justifiably about to become the youngest winner of a Formula 1 Grand Prix. So congratulations to Max and commiserations to me. All of my attention now turned to the evening's golf.

What would TPC Sawgrass have in hand for me. It was not impossible for Mcilroy to win, and I briefly considered having a piece of the 100/1 about his victory, you know, for scenes, but decided against it. And wisely so. Mcilroy is so close to playing at his best again. Every aspect of his game is in top condition, with the huge exception of his putting. He was ranked as the worst putter over the course of the tournament, and it is only thanks to the excellent other aspects of his game. I would like to be more expressive, but at the risk of sounding crazy, he putts like a dog. A dog with no head and only one leg. I would have more success putting by throwing such a poor beast at golfery balls, and will be writing to the Mcilroy household to express that view. Mcilroy did not win, even though he had plenty of birdie putts. He had 15 putts for birdie, and was able to make only 4 of them. With an average a little below one in three, Rory was never going to win. Had he been able to average two in three, he would have shot 10 under for the day, set a new course record, and gotten in to a play off, which, riding high, it's more than possible he could have won. Had he putted any better than making two of three birdie putts, he would have won the tournament.

What else to say? Sergio decided to go backwards over the weekend, carding a 77 and a 75, which was abhorrent, Phil had already missed the cut, Koepka and Horschel did nothing, and I am left wanting. A very small loss for the weekend is easily over looked, but the ego and confidence is bruised. I could hardly face myself on Monday, and whilst cycling in to London, decided not to bet this week. Before the next pedal stroke I decided that was utter nonsense and of course I would bet this week.

There Once Was a Boy....

Success is in short supply at the moment. Weekend punting is proving fruitful, but the fruits are usually small, and offer returns nothing like lumping ante-post. My small lump on Hahn last week nearly covered my bets for this week, but I needed some help from Mr Bank. The large chunk on Rory went awry on the first round, with the Northern Irishman carding a level par 72. Jason Day then brutalised TPC Sawgrass and matched the course record with a 9 under 63.

Rory had lots work to do. And on the following round, he did the work. He shot an excellent 64, to haul himself to 8 under, and was 7 under through 7 at one point. Rory unfortunately made bogey on hole 9, his final of the day, which is unforgiveable. Par at 9 would have given him equal share of the course record, and birdie or better, which for someone possessing his power is easily attainable, would have broken the record. It was however, not to be, and Rory was only able to muster 8 under. Day then carded an excellent 66 to push his lead over Rory to 7 shots.

The third round then proceeded to provide only agony and emotional despair. Rory, who was in prime position to shoot 7 or 8 or 9 under decided to just murder me instead, and shoot 3 over. Rory’s putting was letting him down again, and now all that will keep me safe is some kind of miraculous course record shattering round, which will also require those ahead of him to not perform very well.

Mickelson missed the cut in fabulous Phil style; carding an acceptable 2 under first round, and then a 1 over second round, which included three birdies, one bunker hole out eagle, four bogies and one double bogey. Oh well.

Sergio, like Rory, put in a level par first round. And also like Rory, he got out of the traps fast on his second round. He was 4 under though 4, then made a bogey, and another birdie, and carried on in that fashion. He carded an excellent 66, which without the bogies would have been a 63, and replace them with better than Pars...oh what could have been, but we won’t dwell. Sergio then decided to ruin my life by shooting an abhorrent 77 for his third round. Whilst I understand that the wind was up, the pins were in tough positions, and the course averaged 75.6, I would expect Sergio, World Number 15, to be able to put a better than average round together. Evidently this was not the case, and I was left reaching for the pills and the wine.

I also decided to have a little more fun on the Friday and have small tipples on Billy Horschel, local boy in fair form, who started well with a 68, then a 70, and then a 75. More pills please. I also opted to have a similar lump on Koepka, who had a blistering start with a 66, then a solid 70, and then a third round 77. What a bunch of nonsense.

My only hope now is a crusading Mcilroy, somehow able to climb to the headiest heights of scorching Sunday scoring. Thankfully due to my excellent brain working at top capacity, I reloaded on Mcilroy on Friday, at 33s. If Mcilroy wins I will pocket £500+ and will set my ringtone to the anthem of Mcilroy. It goes like this: “There once was a boy called Mcilroy who won The Players Championship, There once was a boy called Mcilroy who won The Players Championship”. This is sung in a high falsetto, and is interjected with swearing.

At the start of writing this, I had a sizeable lump on Wang in the European Tour. He was playing well, and was only one behind, looking fairly imperious to conquer Rahman. As I started to try and get £100 on at 21/20 the price started shortening and kept on going, and the best I could get was 8/11. I was somewhat happy with this price shortening, as I sensed bookies confidence in the South Korean, who dramatically won the play off last week. Since then, there has been a three shot swing, and Wang is now four shots behind.

It’s fair to say I’m in a fairly poor and murderous mood at the moment. Wang is now available at 4s and I would like to shoot someone. But I will not. I have, thanks to the surprising magic of Jamie Oliver, found a much more constructive outlet. Whilst making yesterday’s dinner, I decided to make some pasta dough. Much like making bread, this is an excellent means of venting pent up emotions, and allows me to imagine that I am pummelling the life out of those who are displeasing me. It also means that I am not going to break anything that need not be broken, like computer mouses, golfers clubs, and various other things in arm's reach.

The problem with this technique however is the need to have many thousands of kilograms of 00 Tipo pasta flour and millions of eggs. Indulging in this practice will surely see me becoming the largest pasta producing entity in the entire world, as I watch far too many unsuccessful golfists to be happy all the time. This will have its upsides however, and will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams, also ensuring I will have an unlimited supply of delicious pasta, and I will shortly end up with forearms comparable to a lowland gorilla, and the pasta making prowess of a small Italian grandmother.

I will still lament however the lack of punting proficiency that surrounds me at the moment, and will be forced to rely on the sale of artisanal British handmade pasta for financial security. That seems like a whole lot of hard work which I am not inclined to, and should be avoided at all costs. I will be watching the golf this evening with a noose tight around my neck, ready to kick myself off the chair. I do not expect myself to have any returns from my ante post bets on The Players, lest I have another bet later on, if I can sniff out some value.

All together now!

There once was a boy called Mcilroy who won The Players Championship, There once was a boy called Mcilroy who won The Players Championship.

TPC 1st Round

First round leader bets. I am looking for players who come out of the stalls hot ideally coupled with an early tee time, when the weather is cool and the wind is down.

Dustin Johnson. 40/1. 1 point each way. Dustin sits T6 in 1^st round scoring average; however his tee time is fairly late. Fear not though, Johnson’s attacking style of play can reap first round dividends, and his distance off the tee should assure eagle potential on the Par 5s, and possibly a Par 4 or two. 40/1 seems generous for this 1^st round specialist, and StanJames are paying 6 places.

Charley Hoffman. 50/1. 1 point each way. The Hoffmeister is 2^nd in 1^st round scoring average. He has an 8.32 local time tee off. He’s playing with Danny Lee and Chris Kirk, both of whom have a few years on him, which should inspire the 39 year old to get going and play some quality golf. Charley shot 67 to open last year, giving him a tie for the lead, and there is no reason to think that the Texas Open champ won’t do the same here.

Charles Howell III. 80/1. 1 point each way. Howell boasts the number one spot in 1^st round scoring average on Tour. Last year he shot a 68 to open here, which was good enough for a place, and despite a missed cut at the Wells Fargo last week, arrives here in good form. Charles was in the places after the 1^st round of the Zurich, and was close in the Heritage. I can fathom no eventuality that Mr Howell won’t give himself an early chance this week.

Francesco Molinari. 90/1. 1 point each way. Francesco is T31 in 1^st round scoring average. He has an excellent early tee time, and starts from the 10^th. This means that he should cruise around, facing the challenging 17^th and 18^th early in his round, giving plenty of time to recover from any mistakes.

That’s all for now. As mentioned, StanJames are paying 6 places at ¼, with Paddy paying 7 at 1/5. 

The Players Championship

This week marks the start of the competition known colloquially as “The Fifth Major”, The Players Championship played at TPC Sawgrass. One of the most exciting and testing tracks on the circuit, this course is a favourite for some players, and inspires nightmares for others. Water is in play on so many holes, and once that starts to play on the mind, there is only one place for the ball to finish. With that in my thoughts, here are my selections for the week.

Rory Mcilroy. 3 points win. 17/2. No pomp, no fuss. Rory has finishes 8^th, 6^th and 8^th here in his last three years, and his current form reads T3-T27-4-T10-T4. A combination of course form and current form landed me the win with Hoffman, and I’m hoping the amalgamation can prove a potent mix here this week. This is Rory’s 6^th appearance in The Players, and will be hunting to add this to a list of conquered courses. The Northern Irishman has been building form lately and looks compelling in his play. I have been guilty before of insulting Rory, and calling him boring, but this week I’m hoping that boring works. Sawgrass is not a course that power bombers will excel at, and I’m in the frame of mind that this will complement the place Rory is in mentally, efficient, accurate and I am anticipating a return of some touch around the greens. Main chunk of the week goes on to Rory, and whilst the price isn’t much to shout about, it’s better than anyone’s likely to get on Rory in the near future.

Sergio Garcia. 1 point each way. 25/1. My numero dos in The Players is Sergio Garcia. Sergio’s form here is even better than Rory’s, reading 2-3-8, losing in a play-off last year. Sergio ranks 4^th in GIR on tour which makes him part of the elite. The only reason that Garcia is not my primary choice is his putting. He ranks T179 in putts per GIR, a woeful stat, and one that I imagine is not higher because his distance off the tee, and the quality of his approach play circumvents the need to putt well. Like Rory, I am wanting Serg to have picked up some more skill on and around the green, and thankfully I have 7 places on Garcia thanks to my favourite golf layers in the business, Stan James. Sergio let me down early in the year losing to Adam Scott, but this course suits the Spaniard better, and proven form here, including a win should prove fateful. Finally, current form figures read 2-T11-T18-T72-T34-3.

Phil Mickelson. 0.5 point each way. 55/1. My final piece of the Sawgrass action is on Phil. Phil doesn’t fit the criteria of course form / current form. Last three years here read MC-MC-MC for Phil. That’s missed cut for any of you that don’t follow golf. Phil’s current form is also somewhat sporadic reading T3-MC-T11-2-T37-5-T18-T13-MC-MC-T4. There are some low numbers in here, and a good finishing day at Quail Hollow should give Phil faith in his game, which I’m sure he has plenty of at the moment. Phil has one of the lowest scoring averages on Tour, and whilst I am playing a bit of favouritism and perhaps not being as shrewd as needs be, I do not care.

The below men are, for me, who I consider to be danger-men. If one of my chaps does not win this tournament, I strongly suspect that one of these will win. They have been axed from the plan brutally due to a necessity for streamlining.

Danny Willett. Little needs to be said here. Masters winner and all round good guy Danny will be out to win this week (obviously) and I’m sure he will put in a performance. However, he hasn’t competed since Augusta, and missed the cut on his debut here last year, so he was fairly easy to chop.

Rickie Fowler. Rickie is still the number one statistically ranked player on Tour, and almost had a resurgence in Quail last week. I prophesised two weeks ago that Rickie would need to find some form coming in to this week and he has done, with form reading 20-4 since the Masters, and returns to Sawgrass as the defending champ. Unfortunately I do not think that Rickie is back to that killer version of himself again yet, as he threw away the 54 hole lead cheaply at Quail, and may struggle here. Prices of 20/1 seem accurate and fair, so for anyone looking to add another string to their bow should opt for Fowler.

Bubba Watson. Bubba Watson ranks first in GIR which should suit Sawgrass. Bubba however does not have good form here. 37-48-42. Since a sorrowful performance at the Masters Bubba put up a spirited outing in China finishing 8^th, but that is not enough for me to elect Bubba as one of my picks.  

Branden Grace. Branden is a smooth operator who I imagine will feel comfortable here this week. Since his win he has a 9^th place finish, and his course form reads 48-42, which is not terribly inspiring. Enough said, axed.

Jason Day. Jason is part of the anti-Greg club and will try to scupper me and any stakes on him. Jason is in fairly good form with figures of 10-23-5 but he missed the cut here last year. Illness may well have been the cause for this, but I will not be risking anything on Day, even though he is well priced at 12s.

Jordan Spieth. Finally, a quick word on Jordan. At a glance, Jordan is in good form. T2-T13-T9-T18-T17. He missed the cut here last year but finished 4^th the year before. However, the innocuous looking T2 in Spieth’s form is hiding a very dark fact. Spieth’s well documented meltdown at Augusta. Cruising to another Masters victory Spieth blew up. He took a 7 on a Par 3, and even though he almost made a spirited come-back, it was not enough, and Jordan must be feeling deflated. He hasn’t competed since, and clearly stated his intentions to be ready for The Players. Spieth may well mount the charge of the century here, but when he has to stand up on the 17^th, and look at the little island green, everyone will know what thoughts will be on his mind, visions of Augusta will run, and Jordan might feel a little wobbly. It is of course possible that this will not be the case, and Jordan will have recovered with the help of top sports psychiatrists, but that combined with a best price of 10s is enough to axe Spieth from the plan. 

Han Solo and the Hahn Single

People often tell me that they think that Golf isn't a sport. They are wrong. It wouldn't have been long ago that I may have agreed with them, letting my personal feelings and objections get in the way of rational thought. Sport was once defined to me as requiring physical exertion, which some deny golf involves. Clearly, they are quite wrong, but that is not wholly my point. My point is that not only is golf a sport, as is watching golf. The physical exertion I put myself through watching golf, even with an investment as small as £3 on someone in contention, is tantamount to running a marathon. 

Probably. Not that I would deign to put myself through something like that.

Early last week I complained about a run of bad luck, which seemed unfortunately to continue this week. My bubbling double went down the pan swiftly, and I reinvested with a double on Berardo and Rose, which was going excellently until Berardo stopped missing those clutch par putts from thirty feet, and missing the green started to trouble him. The course was playing 75.3 which was more than three over par, and whilst my pick was only one over for the day, putting him nearly two and a half shots better than the field, there were a grand total of five players under par for the day, and two of them found themselves in the play off. Had my chap been under par for the day, he would have won the tournament, and level par would have given him entry in to the play off.

Rose looked good at one point but his putting is not where it has been, with the claw grip seeming to be a bit less than it’s cracked up to be, resulting in poor putting on tricky greens. I also had a double and singles on David Dixon, who unfortunately never really contended, and James Hahn, at 55/4. This is a spectacular price, and is one of the kinds that come from those bookies that price everything up in decimal and then oddschecker converts into a lovely fractional format.

I thought that the Hahn bet was excellent. He had missed 8 cuts coming in to this event and had no real reason to think that he would play any better here. He had had one good round on Saturday, and nothing about any course or actual form suggested that he would do well at all, so for all good reason, there was nothing solid behind backing him. But I thought I should because why not?

I didn’t watch a huge amount of golf on the Sunday. I therefore decided to go to bed and watch it in the morning.  Frankly, I thought it difficult to see past Rickie not creaming the win by three or four shots. But even at a best price of 21/20, he really did not appeal, and it’s far too close to pay-day to attempt some kind of colossal lump to slump. Behemoth sized wins were not for this week and this does make me cry basically. Tricky Rickie started poorly, and it never really got any better. He was two over for the day and on a course that averaged 72.4, that made him one and a half (and change) worse than the field average, which is frankly unacceptable on a Sunday. Had I backed Fowler, I would be ranting and raving about how much suicide and murder I was going to commit and how I hated him and his shoes and the water and everything and I was going to blow up all the water in the world. But no, since Fowler’s demise in the Phoenix, I am resisting from backing him, at least until he gets some confidence back.

Hahn made me work for it though. Watching the golf in the morning was a revelation to me, however I was forced to not go on my phone, and have Mrs Golfing Greg delete the notifications in case the winner was announced on the PGA Tour app. It also meant that I would not be able to check my account as this would give me the result.

 It was only by occasion that Hahn would find himself in the lead every now and then, and suddenly out of the lead by the grace of Castro, who was not throwing it away, and Rose, whose iron play was simply outstanding. Hahn made bogey on the 72^nd hole of regulation play, from position A1 on the fairway. In effect, he duffed his first putt, the nerves getting the better of him, and then took two more putts. This put him at level pegging with Castro. Castro would have to make birdie on 18 to win, par for a play-off, or worse to give my hero the win. I imagine that it’s relatively clear what I was hoping for. Whilst I like to want everyone to play well, at that point I was eager to see Castro slice his ball in to the gallery and be swiftly arrested.

Unfortunately this did not happen, and he made a solid par to force the play off. My heart went in to over-drive and I could barely take it. It was at this point that I decided to never ever watch the golf in delay again, especially when I have a bet live. Whilst 44.25 doesn't represent huge winnings, if there was more at stake, the option to lay off liability, either through hedging or actual laying, is not possible when watching post-event.

My thoughts immediately harked back to my play off disasters. Snedeker lost to Gomez and Fowler lost to Matsuyama, and I dreaded to think what would happen next. I dreaded what was to come, and my usually pink skin when somewhat…white. My heart decided to stop being in over-drive and instead decided to try and just break my ribs. I think it was beating less that once a minute, but it was beating so hard it was knocking the breath out of my lungs on one side, and battering the marrow out of my bones on the other, perhaps for the Grim Reaper to feast on.

I considered just checking the result and ending the impending feelings of cardiac arrest and death, but rationalised that I would probably become prematurely miserable and that’s worse than well timed misery which is easier to process. Maybe. Also I was scared. Yes, scared of losing £3. What I lack in empathy for the general populace I more than make up for in my own emotional investment in golf bets. I feel like my life is actually on the line sometimes. And my heart is almost my favourite one out there. And £44.50 is more than likely not enough for a new heart, especially not a good one, though I did once pick up a lamb’s heart for 44p in the reduced section, though somehow I don’t imagine that would be compatible with my system requirements.

Back to the play-off. Castro gave me a massive respite off the tee by plunging his ball in to the creek that runs the whole way along the left side of the 18^th. Once again the subversive elements of the H2NO campaign have been silenced. My heart decided to arrest again when Hahn stood up to the tee, but he planted one down the middle, which was excellent.

Dropping out of the water on to the steep bank Castro did not have what might be referred to as a good lie, with the ball well above his feet, and taking out a wood, swiftly knocked it over the right of the green in to some unsuspecting (somehow) spectator, whom the commentators initially thought to be a woman, but turned out to be a bloke. Whilst I have never been hit in the face with a golf ball, I have been hit in the face with a skateboard. The reason I was hit in the face with a skateboard is because I was standing in the middle of a half pipe, and my brother (of all people, and probably on purpose) fell off his, causing it to fly in to my face. This has taught me a valuable lesson, which is that if you are near a place in which a skateboard can hit you in the face, be careful. This kind of logic can be applied to all sorts of environments, such as golf courses. If you are on a golf course, and you are near where the balls go (the back of the green), you should be wary of the potential that a ball might come near you. When I play golf, I am always especially careful of this, as I have what is known as common sense (which I know might not come across). However, most other people seem to not have any common sense, which is why it is necessary to have health and safety everywhere.

To me, the principle of health and safety is basically to stop me from doing whatever I want all the time, and prevents actual fun and common sense. However, to some people, it is to prevent civil liabilities and potential lawsuits, under the guise of protecting everyone. The crowds at golfer are usually so close to the players and the balls, especially when they are out of position, that it seems to be only a matter of time before a nervous golfist delivers a one hundred and fifty mph golf ball directly in to someone’s brain. That will cause an outcry, and presumably all the good PR work in the world won’t be able to recover the situation. I can predict this leading to a health and safety knee jerk reaction that will result in the players being forced to loudly express their intentions and any possible pitfalls of any shot, which may result in an erratic path being taken, and having to wait four hours for anyone in any of those spots to be moved out of the way. They will also be forced to make their golf balls wear little high visibility jackets so everyone can see them. They’ll also have to be much bigger so everyone can see them, and they’ll also have to wear little life vests in case they go in to the water, so they float and don't drown (yes I'm still talking about the balls). It will then also become cruel to the balls to hit them and golf will be banned under the Geneva Convention.

Alternatively everyone could just dress in those bomb suits (Explosive Ordnance Disposal suit in real language) in case the ball comes near them and they get hurt. I am therefore going to invest all of my future winnings in the best bomb suit tailors in the world so I can watch my stocks rise like a skyscraper when the inevitable happens.

Anyway, back to the golfery. Castro was over the back for 3, and Hahn put himself 25 foot away for 2. Profit loomed. The commentators then decided to try and give me a hearters (again) by suggesting that Castro could chip in from this position. I suppose it wasn't that bad because I was prepared for the worst. After what seemed like a lot of faffing, due mainly to Castro’s ball coming to lie in someone’s loafer. I kid you not, it has bounced off this chap’s face into someone else’s shoe. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Castro did then almost knock it in, but couldn't quite muster it.

Hahn then took his third shot. He had two putts from 25 feet guaranteed for the win. He missed his first by 5 or 6 feet. Castro knocked in his fifth, for bogey, which was buggering good considering where he was off the tee. Hahn then stepped up to his putt, engaged testicles, and battered it home.

Sweet glory. I felt as though my blood had turned to honey (in a good way, not in a clotty kind of way) and a warmth spread through me. James Hahn has become my new hero and I'm going to have a flag made with his face on it. Instead of going to work I'm going to sit under the flag and sing songs about his mythical victory, and the riches it has spread through the world. I might also have to get a flag pole. How much are flag poles? £85 apparently. And that’s without the flag. I wonder how much it is to commission a flag. £43.50 apparently. So perhaps I'm a few pounds behind the full flag at the moment, surely huge financial aid will be coming my way soon, and I can adorn the front lawn with two flag poles, one consistently flying the Union Jack, and one flying the golfist whom is in my favour at the time. Also I can burn any flags of players who upset me. I reckon I need about £200 for the poles and then will need to consistently win £50 from different golfists in order to have their faces on the flags. This might seem confusing to the neighbours, but perhaps then I could just direct them to this blog for an explanation. Perhaps I can have a third flag commissioned championing this blog and advising confused passer-by’s to visit it before querying why I'm flying the Union Jack and seemingly random men. Probably need another £150 then.

This is a cast iron plan and I am sure you all eagerly await news on the progress.

I look forward to being the pride of the neighbourhood, and even more, I'm looking forward to The Players Championship this weekend. Rickie Fowler is out to defend, Spieth is out for the first time since Augusta, and Mcilroy is coming in to some fine form. What a week we are about to have. 

Toil, Toil, Trouble, Trouble and No Double

What an absolutely awful start to the weekend. Briefly, Lombard shot plus five today. Ouch. The course was playing hard and the conditions are usually tougher going out later in the day but five over still hurts, especially when the average score for the day is 73.7, meaning that two over is worse than average. Unfortunately for me, not everyone shot five over, which means that Lombard’s chances of winning are smashed on the rocks, as I will be when I find a suitably large cliff. I wonder if they make toasters big enough to go in the sea.

The weather is set to get even worse tomorrow, which does mean my chap is in with an outside chance, but unfortunately the next paragraph has ruined my hopes. 

Secondly, and just to really bruise the ego, Phil. Mickleson has long been touted as having the best short game in golf but today it really let him down. He missed three greens with a 64 degree in his hand and I decided to commission and employ the use of the world’s largest toaster, just in case dashing my head off the rocks at Beachy Head doesn’t quite do the job. Phil also found more water than Columbus and therefore I can hear the heady rumblings of the H2NO campaign coming back to the fore. By the way Phil took an 8 at 18. 

Rickie Fowler looks dominant in Quail Hollow, and the only man who can probably challenge him is Justin Rose. As well as Castro played today I can’t imagine him holding up to the pressure tomorrow in what, if the wind gets up, will make level par an exceptional score. Loopy Loupe doesn't have a hope in hell, and looks as nervous as my rubber duck every time I put the toaster on. Castro has finished on -8 and Loupe has finished on -6 after they both found the green side bunker, leaving Fowler with a one shot lead in to a tournament that he has won before. 

I have already spoken on the confidence boost that he will need going in to next week and I think that leading at this point will be enough, and anything further will be a bonus. 

It seems that the Grim Reaper really is after me, and I don’t have the scythe yet, but I will do soon. Also, I'm not killing myself over £5. 

Yet. 

Double, Double Toil and Trouble; Fire Burn, and Cauldron Bubble

I’ll make no secret of the fact that I haven’t (until now) had a bet this week. My confidence was booted in the teeth last week and my ego is still recovering from a somewhat jarring Glasgow Kiss. What’s to blame for all of my negative feelings? Certainly not poor betting. My punting is clearly A1. Obviously fate conspires against me. Fate wants me to jump in to the bath with a toaster, yet I refuse. The Grim Reaper is evidently a fervent reader of this blog and has decided my jests of suicide have gone too far, and schemes to take me to the brink. Not this week however. This week it will be I holding the scythe, and cutting down the bookies margins with gusto.

At the beginning of the week I didn't really fancy much in either the PGA or European Tour events, so decided to leave it, with a view to check in after 36 holes, and pick the value and lump. Well, not quite lump, because as it turns out lumping the weekend before payday is relatively difficult, given that the choice is basically lump or eat.

Given a choice between anything in the universe and eating, I will almost always choose eating. When I was younger I read a lot of SAS books, by Chris Ryan and Andy McNab, and most of the characters were obsessed with food. The philosophy was always along the lines of: “You don’t know when you’ll eat next, so if given the chance, eat.” This is something I practice at every opportunity. I am unmistakably not in the SAS, nor am I on some kind of CIA wet work black ops roster, so observing this mantra has its obvious pit-falls, not that I trifle myself with such things. I am only concerned with matters on a galactic scale, my thoughts filled with musings of the universe, the likelihood of extra terrestrial existence (which seems to me a mathematical certainty). I am certain that were aliens to come to our planet, we could befriend them over a 18 holes at St Andrews, and then a few pints at the 19^th. I don’t imagine some HG Wells interpretation of alien contact, more of a trade mission.

The aliens will offer the ability to travel faster than light speed, and technologies we have never seen, and we’ll offer betting and alcohol. Top traders from the best bookies and master brewers would quickly become the Emissaries of Inter-Galactic Alliances, and in return for ethereal enlightenment, we’ll teach and entire species how to ritually poison itself with the most readily available drug on the market, and how to belt their Martian domiciles away on the roulette at 5AM at the Universe’s largest super-casino, just 5 light years from the Milky Way. Then, the once peace loving travelers will turn to violence, and all out war will commence. After the former emissaries are unceremoniously murdered, a new alliance will be formed, on the Links. Rory, Ricky, Jordan and others will champion a new Ryder Cup, Earth versus The Universe, played on a course of random choosing.

I could go on, but at the risk of sounding self indulgent, I won’t. I will however, tell you about my bet. Each way double on Lombard in the Tropheé Hassan, and Mickleson in the Wells Fargo. Zander (Lombard) has put together two rounds of 70, which is consistent. Even after some kind of awful off the tee spell yesterday, he still managed to score two under for his round. Age is on his side and the 21 year old should have the mental resilience to bounce back and go low throughout the weekend.

The World Ranked 260^th player brings form of T26-T30-T50-T34-T7-2-T12-60-4 in to this tournament and is looking for his maiden win that will cement his place on the European Tour. Even though he is at such a heady number in the world rankings, the tournament can only boast one player in the Top 100, Burmester, another South African chap. This means that Zander comes in to this tournament in the top 20, and a top finish should be easily attainable for him. The Royal Golf Dar Es Salam is similar to many South African courses, with an emphasis on accuracy, and whilst Lombard ranks low on driving and GIR, he seems to have found a step up this week and apart from a brief spell, was striking the ball well. 12s seems very generous about this soon to be superstar, and were swiftly snapped up.

Phil Mickleson is my other choice. The five time Major winner has been putting in the hours recently with his swing and putting stroke, and his short game remains as fiery as ever. The only Major Phil has not won is the US Open, and that is around the corner. Oakmont is touted as one of the most brutal golf courses ever devised and Phil must be thinking about that. Watching Phil play yesterday harked backed to the days of domination. He was bolting in putts and driving well, and looked for all intents and purposes to be in good form again.

Apologies to the players at the top of the board, but I do not rate -8 as the leading score. I don’t see any of the 4 players occupying the top 3 scores as serious weekend contenders, and perceive the leading score as -5, which in my book makes Phil tied for the lead, which makes 9s for him to win an excellent price. Unfortunately short on capital means that significant punting is out of the window, so I will have to settle for a £2.50 each way double. Bookie profit margin shattering it might not be, but to fire the big guns you need to fire the little guns first.

An ideal situation will give me plenty to play with for next week, which sees Sawgrass return, and The Players Championship, which Rickie out to contest his defence. 

Form Favours the Foolhardy

Form is temporary. Form is fickle. Form is, well, gone. The headline news is no returns this week. I have successfully withdrawn £00.00 from my accounts and find myself financially and emotionally destitute. 

On Sunday I went to the most amazing intimate gig in the world. S Club 7 (now S Club 2) were performing at a local venue, accompanied by a foam party. Oh what fun! Committing to this event was difficult, given that it was planned for a Sunday evening , and that's when the golf finished. However, I was able to act cleverly, and not make my chums think I like golf more than I like them. It was fairly swiftly on Friday that I was able to surmise that the golf would not finish on time, no matter what. It was my ace in the hole. "I'll be there," I said, "Tell people I'm going," which was wishful thinking. Still, come the evening on Sunday, I knew I'd played my trump card, with the golf set for a Monday finish, and my chaps in reasonable positions, I was able to enjoy myself. The wine (coughrosècough) was flowing hard and we bumped in to a couple of fine chaps from Sheffield. This, I decided,  was a good omen. "Danny Willett is from Sheffield," I was thinking to myself, "Perhaps they know him"
"Do you know Danny Willett?" I asked. 
"No."
"Oh."
Then I decided to shut up and use my brain. "What’s the population of Sheffield?" I wondered. I reasoned that the Crucible could probably house a few thousand, but it wouldn't be busy all the time. I pondered how many former steel mills might have been converted in to luxury accommodation and decided that the population was probably about forty or fifty people. It therefore seemed unreasonable that these two chaps wouldn't know Danny, but I couldn't ask again. In the end, I decided to just spill my friend's drink.

At around this point I received a text from Mumsy telling me that would be required to help cut a tree down the next day, and requesting that I not drink too much. Showing my friends the text we all fell about laughing, so I responded with a hearty "Hahahahaha" for show. As an addendum I confirmed to Mother that I would be able to help, as I am a good boy really. 

As the night intensified, my memory hazes. Two for one cocktails sounds like a stunning idea, especially when you buy by the pitcher, but goodness does it demolish brain cells. Long Island Iced Tea is incredibly inappropriately named and should be called Long Island Iced Death given its innate ability to kill me.

All of a sudden, I found myself face to face with Bradley and Jo from S Club. They didn't appear quite as I remember them...but it was them. Instantly I was transported to my youth, of dancing around to S Club in my living room, and anywhere else I happened to hear them. Reach for the Stars was always my favourite, and this night it would prove to be no different. I went absolutely loopy when it came on, and in my inebriated state probably looked a little like a stroke victim being stuck with a cattle prod. Little did I care though as I realised what this was to mean. It was an omen, obviously, that Thomas Aiken was going to win the golfery and make me bundles of cash, probably enough to build a rocket to the stars. This moment of clarity was immediately celebrated by much more drinking. 

Before I knew it the night was over. Compulsory kebab shop carnage ensued and I was beside myself with glee watching the fighting, and just before I could open a book on the action some kind of action squad came in and got everyone arrested. Boring. 

Unfortunately the next day it was clear that the prophetic crooning meant something different entirely, and I was not going to be fortunate enough to build a rocket ship set for the stars. My previously well placed golfists were obviously hampered by the news that the tournament would be set to finish after just 54 holes.

In my last post I spoke of the hope I had. Hoffman was creaming through the field on a 3rd and now final round high and I started thinking about how I could spend my money, probably starting by paying for the Sunday night out. Aiken was also making headway up the leader board, before another delay. I have benefited before from having a weather delay, as it gave one of my players who was close to crashing out of the tournament a chance to get his head together and play better. But the last thing I wanted to happen was have my players who were on a hot streak forced in to the club house and cooling off.

And that is exactly what happened, Hoffers and Aikers cooled off and failed to place.

My European Tour fancies also failed to make any traction, and I am left penniless. Destitute and hopeless I wonder why I even bother.

But not for long, bad streaks end, and mine will end with a hammer blow to the bookies bank balances. 

Weather the Weather Whether or Not You Want To

I am bored. I am soooooooo bored. I am bored of weather delays. Last week’s European Tour action was delayed by weather, but frankly, that pales in to insignificance compared to what I'm being forced to endure this week. Round 1. Weather delays, completed on Friday. Round 2, weather delays, completed on Saturday. And guess what happened in Round 3? Ha! Caught you, Round 3 ran through smoothly and completed on time. GOT YOU AGAIN! Round 3 is, as expected is currently suspended.

Whilst I sound a bit whiney here, I understand that it is irresponsible to do golfing in “inclement” weather, i.e. giant lightning storms. I also don’t expect the PGA Tour officials to do anything other than attempt to get players out during any intervals, but it doesn't stop me from being bored. And stupid.

The other week I wrote of a bet on Nico Rosberg, who I keep tipping up to my chums, but I never really seem to back. Had I had the foresight to continuously back Nico I would probably be rich at the moment. The 11/8 second favourite came in to 2/5 favouritism before the race today, due to some stunning qually times, another power unit problem for Hammers and a penalty for Vettel.

This put Nico on the front row with Bottas. I part-fancied the Finn to do well here, so had £5 on him at 16s, just for a bit of interest. That didn’t look too bad for a while, with Valteri holding off Lewis well, but after the pits he came out behind Raikkonen and my race was well and truly run.

Nico cruised to a comfortable victory and I was beside myself with envy at what could have been. It seems inevitable that he will continue to crush the life out of everyone on the circuit, so future lumping will be heading in his direction. Having said that, unlike most other sports cruising to a win in F1 actually means very little coverage of you will be shown on TV. I mean, who wants to watch lap after lap of perfectly executed apexes and breaking? The coverage normally consists of those mid table constructors, jostling for position, points and perhaps podiums. With Vettel out of the race Kimi was free to cruise to 3^rd, and my money went awry. Oh well, I was bored once Lewis overtook him.

The snooker now is also boring. After a thoroughly exhilarating semi-final, which saw Mr Harrow’s exceptional punting thrown out the window with his failure to lay off. Picture the scene, £5 each way on Fu at 80s. Fu gets in to the semis somehow, and is up against World Number 1, Selby. After a very scrappy match, Fu started to look the stronger of the two. This was the opportune moment to back Selby. £100 on the Jester at that point would have guaranteed Mr Harrow £100 profit, as, if Fu progressed to the final, the each way was in, which would return £200. But the hedging was denied, and Fu failed to win.

The final thus far has been a thoroughly unenjoyable and boring affair. So you know, boring.

Football has less than no interest for me, so all of these people rooting for some team from the East Midlands is frankly boring.

The European Tour golfing has been happening at abhorrent hours at the moment whilst I've been asleep which kind of makes it boring.

Fortunately to cut through the boredom I have hope. Hope in Hoffman, hope in Aiken, and hope in Horschel, hope in Tringale, who, at the time of writing, are 3, 5, 6 and 6 shots off the lead respectively. Thankfully, I did not back Justin Rose who missed the 36 hole cut at some point on Saturday. I also did not back Rickie or Day, and I couldn't be less bothered.

I am, however, bored.